The Greatest of Sins Read online

  ‘I lied.’

  ‘How very convenient,’ she said, still not sure.

  ‘I’ve told you many lies, since I returned.’

  But he did not seem the least bit ashamed by his admissions. ‘Here, I will prove it to you. Would you like me to recite for you? I know the contents of your letters as well as any poem.’

  He had heard her, as she poured out her heart to him for six lonely years. He had not answered, but at least he had listened. ‘You read them?’

  ‘Every word.’ He smiled. ‘They gave such comfort. You have no idea. When one went astray, or arrived out of order, I sat in a fog of despair, until the next came to cheer me again. You begged me over and over to answer. You grew angry with my silence and, at least once a year, you told me I was horrible and swore that I would hear no more from you.’

  His smile disappeared. ‘I dreaded those letters. Suppose, this time, you were sincere? Suppose my negligence had finally cost me my Evie?’ He relaxed. ‘But in a week, or perhaps two, you wrote again.’ And tensed at another bad memory. ‘In November of ‘sixteen you were silent the whole month. But December brought another letter and a muffler so hideous I must assume you were the one who made it.’

  Unable to stop herself, she gave a small joyful laugh, for he was finally saying what she had longed to hear. ‘You have come back to me, after all?’

  ‘I never left,’ he whispered. ‘I tried, but I could not.’

  She had meant only to talk. To consider rationally, take her time and make the best decisions possible. Then she would have to break with one man or the other. But she would do it so gently that they might all be friends.

  Instead, she seized Sam Hastings by the shirt front and kissed him.

  It took no further encouragement for him to kiss her back. These were the kisses she had been waiting a lifetime for. More passionate than the sweet kiss of youth and more tender than the eager grappling of the last few days. Quick pecks on her face and throat, and slow forays into her mouth. His tongue thrust. It circled. It remained perfectly still, resting against her lips. And through it all he smiled. His breath came in deep, satisfied sighs and silent laughs of relief.

  His arms were about her, neither too tight nor too loose. But she clung to his, afraid that he would escape. Sam was home. Not the strange imposter that had walked in the door. This was her Sam. And she would never let him get away.

  He was pulling her back towards the door to the bedroom. And each step was like waltzing, if that dance could be done with bodies held so indecently close. She rubbed herself against him, pressing her breasts to his chest. He kissed her shoulder and cupped her bottom so that their hips bumped together.

  For a moment, they both paused in shock. The brief contact was too good not to repeat. He brought their hips together again and they pressed into each other. Her knees buckled at the thought of them, joined.

  He supported her, still holding her tight as he backed into the bedroom and shut the door. Then he shrugged out of his coat, stepping on it, and over, as it fell to the floor. She kicked out of her slippers, leaving them behind as well. And suddenly they were a frenzy of hands undoing buttons, untucking shirts and dropping garments as they came free of them. By the time they reached the bed, she was in shift and stockings, and he was shirtless and kicking free of his boots.

  He had a manly chest. She had known he must look somewhat like the paintings she had seen of naked men. But pictures did not teach her the feel, or the taste, or the way he would laugh as she ran her fingers over his ribs and he caught at her hands to kiss them.

  Then he rolled, pulling her with him, pushing her down on her back as his hands went to his buttons. He kissed her mouth again, pulling down his breeches and lying naked on top of her, heavy and hard between her legs.

  The curtains were drawn and the room was gloomy, but hardly dark. If she wished, she could see him and watch as he loved her. Why was she closing her eyes when there was so much to learn? She opened them wide, so that she would not miss a thing.

  He seemed to sense this, pulling away and laughing again, flicking her nose with his finger before kneeling above her as he untied her garters and rolled her stockings down her legs.

  ‘You are not like the illustrations in the medical books,’ she said, amazed.

  ‘I am like them in all the ways that matter,’ he said, in a voice that was deliberately lecherous. ‘You are not like the books, either. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.’ He pulled her shift over her head. ‘But that is exactly as I imagined you’d be. Do not be afraid,’ he whispered.

  She laughed at him. For when had she ever been frightened of Sam?

  He growled and lay on top of her again, sliding down, holding a breast in each hand and taking the nipples into his mouth. If he meant to punish her for laughing, he was doing it wrong. This was only making her more excited, even when he bit her. She would not mind if they stayed like this for ever.

  He stopped. He kissed her navel. And then he hooked his arms around her legs, spread them and kissed.

  This was different. It tickled. But it was a new sort of ticklishness that seemed to travel over her whole body. She giggled. Then she laughed. She forced her fist into her mouth, trying to keep back the screaming, gasping, silent gales of laughter. She hooked one leg over his shoulder, trying to hold him still, and pounded her fists into the mattress and panted, trying to get control of herself. His kisses were unrelenting. If he did not stop, she was not sure what would happen.

  And then, it did. Suddenly, everything changed. She could breathe again, but she did not want to. She just wanted to lie perfectly still and feel like this for ever.

  He did not seem the least bit surprised at what had happened. He pulled away from her and grabbed a pillow from the bed, lifting her hips and sliding it under her. Then he bent her knees so that her feet were close to her body. ‘This will make it easier,’ he said.

  She could not manage to say anything at all. His fingers were where his mouth had been, spreading the wetness and slipping inside, stretching her.

  She did not want his fingers, she wanted more. She held out her arms and reached down until her fingers brushed his manhood. She steeled her nerve and explored, running a finger down the length and cupping his testicles.

  His fingers froze, then pushed deeper as he leaned forwards, muttering, ‘Damn! I meant to teach you to love me. Did you learn that from an anatomy book? Never mind. I do not care. Oh God, woman, do not stop.’

  She ran her hands over him again. ‘I want this.’

  ‘A moment more.’ He sighed, letting her caress him. Then he withdrew his fingers and took her hands, placing them between her legs and encouraging her to touch herself. It felt good.

  The next moment, he was hovering over her and there was a slow push. She tightened her body, and could feel him inside of it. They were finally together. Her body twitched under her fingers, and tightened again, as he moved.

  His body began to shake. There were a few hurried thrusts and he shuddered a second time, swearing, trembling and collapsing in her arms as she felt the rush of his seed inside her.

  He lay still for a time, holding her, as weak and spent as she was. Then he rolled without leaving her body, pulling her with him so she was half-sprawled on top of him. He fumbled a blanket up to cover them. Then he kissed her shoulder. ‘The next time will be different.’

  She pushed against him. ‘I should hope not. I liked this.’

  He was laughing now, so hard that his body was trembling again. ‘Show some decorum, Lady Evelyn. You are far too eager for a girl who was a virgin only a few moments ago.’

  ‘Well, I was,’ she said, with a frown. ‘And it is most rude of you to imply otherwise.’

  ‘Darling, I know,’ he said, still laughing.

  ‘How …?’

  ‘I am a doctor. I would not be much of one if I could not tell that.’

  ‘I am sorry if I did not respond according to your assumptions,’
she said a little tartly.

  ‘You exceeded expectations,’ he assured her.

  ‘As did you,’ she said, trying to sound more knowledgeable than she was.

  ‘Then you did not expect much of me,’ he said, still laughing. ‘That was over before it was begun. In the future, I shall try harder to please you.’

  The future. They would have a future and it would be full of this. How wonderful that would be.

  ‘Of course, today, we did not have long. When we do this again, I will take my time.’

  He stood, leaving her on the bed, and fumbled his way back into his clothes.

  She held out a hand to draw him back. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I must check on my patient. He is most likely still asleep, for the dose I gave him was strong. But still, one must never assume.’

  She sat straight up in the bed and felt the blanket fall away from her. She gathered it hastily around her. It was ludicrous to be embarrassed now, after what they had done. But she was.

  She had forgotten Michael.

  But, clearly, her lover had not.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Once Sam had gone, she gathered up her clothing, washed and dressed herself. Then she sat down on the edge of the bed and waited.

  Sam returned to the room shortly, and dropped his bag on the floor near the door. ‘The swelling increases, but that is to be expected. I gave him one more dose of laudanum, so that he will sleep through the worst of it. Later this afternoon, he will wake and we will treat more aggressively.’

  He stopped in the doorway, finally noticing her expression.

  ‘You are thinking of the engagement, aren’t you?’

  Of course she was. And it was too late to be doing so. Her personal sense of honour should have reminded her of it an hour ago. ‘I betrayed Michael.’

  ‘You have not married as yet.’ Sam was so matter of fact about it. It was as if he was describing some easily cured disease.

  ‘But I promised.’

  ‘Then break it.’ Sam sat down beside her and put an arm about her shoulder. ‘You must tell him that you have made a mistake. Or would you prefer that I did? I did mean to speak to him on the subject, when he was better.’ His face clouded for a moment. ‘But then I had not expected things to move so quickly. Perhaps, when he wakes, I should—’

  ‘No,’ she interrupted. ‘It must be me.’ She was so tired of being presented with a fait accompli. She would not be rushed into the decision to part from Michael, as she had with the one to accept him. ‘But it will not be today. He must be fully awake and healthy enough to understand.’

  ‘Very well,’ Sam said cautiously. Then he stroked her shoulders. ‘But let it be soon, Evie. I love you. And I know that you love me. Now that you have felt how it can be between us, do not deny those feelings.’

  ‘There will be a scandal,’ she said. Worse than that, her father would be heartbroken.

  ‘But we do not have to stay in London to see it. Run away with me.’ The arm about her shoulder pulled her closer so he could whisper in her ear. ‘Anywhere you wish to go. Scotland? Italy? The Americas? Name the place and I will take you there.’

  ‘Would you marry me, then?’ For now that they had done the deed, he did not speak of a wedding.

  ‘Of course,’ he scoffed as though he expected her to know. But how could she?

  ‘I must say, your story has changed, since the night you told me to accept St Aldric. You swore then that you would never marry me.’ She stared straight ahead, afraid of what his face might reveal.

  His hand stilled on hers, and then dropped away. ‘Many things have changed since that night.’

  She did not want change. She wanted the constant love that she had shown to him. ‘And how do I know that they will not change again, once I have broken with the duke?’

  ‘Because I have always been yours,’ he said. ‘From the first, I have loved you.’

  ‘Then why did you call it lust? And why did you refuse me, when I was free to offer you my heart?’ She turned to stare at him now and waited for some clue that would reveal the truth.

  His face darkened. ‘At the time, I thought it was for the best. For both of us.’

  ‘You thought for me, did you? And was I not to be consulted in my own future?’ It seemed, just as her father had with St Aldric, that Sam did not think her capable of making reasoned decisions. But if she was married to the duke, he would treat her the same way.

  ‘The situation was …’ He seemed at a loss for words. ‘The problem was delicate. You were promised to another man when I arrived. I did not want to interfere.’

  ‘It is not interference if help is requested,’ she said, exasperated. ‘If I was promised, it was by someone else. I had nothing to do with the decision. You must have known how conflicted I was. I all but threw myself at your feet and begged you to love me.’

  ‘Well … yes.’ This seemed to make him more uncomfortable than ardent.

  ‘I waited for years, between heaven and hell, knowing you would come back for me and fearing you would not. Can you not offer me any explanation, other than that you thought it was for the best?’ Despite what had just happened, an act which should have answered all her questions, she was still angry at him. He had distracted her with sweet words and seduced her into breaking her promise. But it had changed nothing. He had left her without explanation.

  She had smothered the anger she felt, wrapping it in prayers for his safety and fantasies that he would return for her. But she remembered the letters as well as he, for she had written them. She had begged him for explanations. She had called him out on his cruelty. And, for six years, he had said nothing.

  He pulled her close again, his arms about her shoulders and his lips on her throat, teasing the nerves until she shuddered. ‘I suffered as well,’ he whispered. ‘There was no heaven for me. Only the hell of being without you. But now, everything has changed.’

  She fought free of him and slid down the mattress to put distance between their bodies. ‘How has it changed? What is so very different today from a few days ago?’ But she feared she knew.

  ‘I … I … I …’

  Sam, who was never at a loss for words when he was refusing her, could not manage to speak.

  ‘Is it because I am engaged to your brother?’

  ‘He is not my brother,’ Sam snapped.

  ‘You of all people should not deny the biology of this. You share a father.’

  ‘But we are nothing alike.’ Yet he sounded confused, as though he did not know who he was any more.

  ‘That is a shame,’ she said. ‘St Aldric is a wonderful man.’

  ‘And thank you for reminding me of that now.’ He was petty and sarcastic again, and not the patient loving man he had been before he’d bedded her.

  ‘Why does Michael’s presence in my life suddenly bother you?’ For it was past the point where that was easy to change. ‘You approved of him when you met him.’

  ‘I had no reason not to. He has no flaws, damn the man.’

  ‘Jealousy is unworthy of you,’ Eve reminded him.

  ‘But it is well deserved,’ Sam said. ‘What chance do I have to be his equal?’

  ‘You do not need to be. You are fine, just as you are.’ Was that all this had been about?

  ‘Oh, really?’ he said, with a cynical smile. ‘Because you cannot seem to stop talking about him. And obviously there must be something wrong with me, because, I find, after all this time, that my father did not wish to acknowledge my existence.’

  ‘But you must have known …’ For how else did one end up in a foundling home?

  ‘I am a nameless nobody. And he is a duke. What could I ever do to compete? What do I have that he does not?’

  ‘Other than my maidenhead?’ she asked, her stomach feeling sick and strange. ‘You have that now. And my husband never shall.’

  He realised what he had said and his face seemed to crumple. ‘That is not what I meant. Not at all.’


  ‘But it is true, is it not?’ It seemed quite obvious, now that she thought of it. The moment he had learned the truth about himself, everything had changed.

  ‘Evie, it is not as you think. I have longed to lie with you, of course. Dreamed of it, my whole life.’

  ‘In lust,’ she reminded him. For had he not admitted it before?

  ‘Love,’ he insisted, now that it was too late. ‘I have always loved you. When it comes to you I am unchangeable,’ he said. ‘I thought I was not worthy. And I tried, all my life to avoid this moment. And I failed.’

  It had been the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to her and yet he had fought against it. But once they were in bed, he had known just what to do to render her senseless with desire. So senseless that she had forgotten her duty to Michael. Those lessons had not been in the medical books. ‘In this time you were fighting your love for me, were you innocent as well?’

  ‘What?’ The question seemed to confuse him.

  ‘Like a monk,’ she supplied. ‘Celibate. Waiting in chastity for that time we might be together.’

  ‘Of course not.’ She saw his lips twitch. He had almost laughed at her question. ‘That is quite a different thing.’

  ‘Because you are a man.’

  ‘And because I thought that I could never have you.’

  For him it must have been an easy decision. He could not have her, but he must have someone. Now that the thought was in her head, she could not help but imagine him with others, doing what they had done. And, worse yet, he had done it even as he claimed to have loved only her the whole of his life.

  ‘So you consoled yourself with others, until the very hour that I gave up waiting. At your suggestion … No. At your demand, I publicly accepted another man,’ she reminded him. ‘And then, suddenly, you rediscovered your love and seduced me.’

  ‘Evie. Evie, no.’ He was shaking his head, as though he could not believe the words she was saying. ‘That is not how it happened at all.’

  ‘Then tell me, Sam. Why now?’ If he had a better reason, he must tell her.

  But he offered no defence.