The Greatest of Sins Page 17

  ‘Such a problem is years in the future,’ Sam said dismissively.

  ‘But to him, it is no more than a day. He thinks of the future as a matter of course.’

  ‘The great man is so far above us that he does not live minute to minute?’ Sam gave her an incredulous smile.

  ‘In short, yes. You cannot think that I did not give this thought as well, when I agreed to marry him.’ Because she was to have been a duchess. She hoped that it did not sound like she longed for the power attached to the role, but it would be a lie to say that she had not contemplated the advantages as well as the disadvantages.

  ‘All the more reason to handle this situation with delicacy, your Grace.’ It seemed with each effort to explain he became more insecure and not less. ‘Just now, I discussed the possible outcome with him. I sent you from the room, so as not to embarrass him. He would not want you to see him as less than a man.’

  It was another cause for exasperation. Men acted as though their only value lay between their legs. She would never understand them. ‘But he knows,’ she said, dragging Sam back to the facts.

  ‘Did you think I meant to withhold the information permanently?’ He laughed. ‘It is not as if I would tell him an untruth, in an effort to manipulate this situation.’ His smile faded. ‘That was exactly what you thought. And it was why you read the book. You did not trust me to do the right thing.’

  ‘You have lied to me before,’ she said. ‘Why should I trust you to tell the truth to him?’ And how could she trust him with their secret?

  He sat down on the chair opposite, a blank expression on his face. ‘The duke’s illness, and the way I choose to treat him, has nothing to do with us. When I came home, I loved you, Evie. I had never stopped loving you. I wanted to tell you how I felt. But the time was not right for that. I had to lie. You would not have understood the truth.’

  ‘And now things have changed,’ she said. ‘Tell me everything.’

  He wavered for a moment. Then he said, ‘You must trust me—whatever I did, I did with your happiness in mind. I mean to be truthful from now on. And I have not lied to St Aldric about the consequences of his illness.’

  ‘But you said you would not discuss the future with St Aldric, if it impedes his recovery?’

  ‘You are talking about our future, I suppose,’ Sam said, a grim smile on his face.

  ‘Things must remain as they are until he is on the road to recovery. Then, perhaps we will try to discuss what recent events mean to his future and to mine.’

  ‘Perhaps?’ His eyes widened. ‘You don’t mean to tell him what has happened between us?’

  ‘Of course not,’ she said, shocked that he would even suggest it. ‘Not now, not ever. I will not tell him that I have already been unfaithful. It would crush him.’

  ‘I seriously doubt that,’ Sam said.

  ‘If it was discovered, it would be the death of my reputation. No one can know of this, Sam. No one at all.’

  ‘So you can have secrets, but I cannot?’ He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. ‘Very well, then. Henceforth, I shall lie about nothing that you don’t want me to lie about. But once we are married, this will no longer matter.’

  Had he spoken of marriage today? He seemed to think that it was a foregone conclusion.

  ‘We are getting married, Evie,’ he said, filling the silence.

  It should make her happy, for it was what she had always longed to hear. And making love with him had been wonderful. That, too, was everything she’d dreamed it would be. Then why could she not say yes with her whole heart? And why could he not explain his mutability?

  Then she thought of Michael, who would be even more alone than ever when she left him.

  ‘Evie?’ Sam was looking at her, as if expecting that a little prodding on his part would gain him the answer he wanted to hear. He got up from his chair and joined her on the sofa. He pulled the medical book from her hands, for she had been hugging it tight as though it were a protective shield. He set it on the table and eased closer.

  If he touched her, he would kiss her. And if he kissed her …

  She stood up and paced to the centre of the room. ‘I think, for the time being, that we had best not discuss the future, either. And as to what happened, earlier in the day?’ She gave a little shake of her head, not wanting to call it for what it was. ‘I think it is unwise to continue in such a manner, when things are still so unsettled.’

  ‘We are unsettled again, are we?’ He was unsmiling. ‘Very well, then, Lady Evelyn. We will wait until St Aldric is recovering. But he is of a particularly strong constitution despite this illness. It will not be long. A day, perhaps. Maybe two. And then you must make a decision.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  ‘I brought you breakfast.’ She smiled in at Michael, who was sitting up in bed, still dazed from sleep. When he understood that it was she, he arranged his bedclothes as modestly as an old maid. Then he gestured that she come nearer.

  The poor man. The response in her mind was involuntary and she hurried to quell it. The last thing he would want at this point was her pity. Especially if, as she suspected, he was gathering strength to minimise his discomfort, so as not to alarm her. His cheeks and neck were still grossly swollen, although somewhat better than they had been.

  Sam was right, it would not be long and he would be well again. ‘How are you feeling today?’

  ‘Wretched,’ he said, not even trying to smile.

  ‘Well, I have brought you tea and milk toast. And there is a poultice for after.’ She held out the bowl to him and readied the spoon.

  He held out his hands for the tray. ‘Really, Evelyn. While I appreciate your help, I can still manage to feed myself.’ His voice was rough from the swelling of his throat, the words somewhat muffled by the difficulty of forming them.

  ‘I see.’ She would not be hurt by his tone. After the news he had received yesterday, it was perfectly natural that he would be short tempered. When she had returned to him, after talking with Sam, he had pretended to be asleep rather than acknowledge her presence.

  She’d sat by him, until his breathing had become more regular and the play-acted slumber had become real. Then she’d continued to sit with him, enjoying the peace. She did not have the energy to argue with Sam again, nor did she particularly wish to speak with Michael. It felt good to sit, as the room grew dark, thinking nothing at all.

  After, she had crept off to her room, not stopping to talk with Sam. She had not even summoned her maid, but had pulled off her dress and crawled beneath the covers to fall into a deep and troubled sleep. She had been up again at dawn, to prepare herself for another day of nursing.

  But it seemed, if the patient could not avoid her by closing his eyes, he meant to bark at her until she left. ‘Of course you can feed yourself,’ she said with a smile. ‘But I do not wish you to tire yourself.’

  ‘Tire myself?’ There was a pause that she suspected would have been a smothered oath from a man less patient than the Duke of St Aldric. ‘You realise, Evelyn, that I have little to do all day but lie in bed, waiting for this complaint to pass.’

  ‘And there is nothing more enervating than doing nothing at all,’ she said firmly, thinking of how exhausting it was to sit quietly at his side and not give offence.

  ‘Well, the least you could do is read to me from The Times,’ he said. ‘When I am well again, it will save me time in catching up.’

  She adjusted his covers and laid a hand on his swollen cheek. ‘I do not wish to upset you. I will ask Sam if it is all right.’

  ‘By all means, ask Dr Hastings.’ For the first time since she’d met him, Michael used a tone which was positively venomous.

  Evie had to restrain herself from fussing with his covers again, trying to make up for her guilty memories. ‘He is your physician,’ she said as patiently as she could. ‘Who else would I consult about anything that might affect your recovery?’

  The duke sighed. �
�I am sorry for being cross with you. You have done nothing to deserve it. It is the illness talking. I do not like idleness.’

  ‘Really?’ She smiled into her hand. ‘I had not noticed.’

  ‘And it bothers me to be dependent on Hastings.’

  ‘We could get another doctor, if that is a problem.’ Her father would welcome a chance to get Sam out of the house. And until she could find a way to break with Michael, it might be for the best not to have temptation continually in her path.

  The duke shook his head. ‘I cannot very well send him away, after making such a show of asking specifically for his help. He has made it plain that he does not want to associate with me. I am sure he cannot like the position I have forced him into. Much as I would wish to know him better, this situation is not making it easier on either of us.’ But he looked quite morose at the thought of giving him up.

  ‘He is a very independent man.’

  ‘It is a family trait,’ St Aldric agreed.

  And so was this sense of noble self-sacrifice. Stubbornness as well, although she could not tell that to either man. ‘Given time, you will overcome his resistance. I am sure that he is pleased to have found his roots, after all this time.’ Secretly pleased, perhaps. He had not said any such thing to her. It felt strange that she could not be sure of his feelings. Though they had shared every secret in their young lives, he was hiding things from her now. It did not bode well for their future.

  ‘I must trust your judgement, I suppose,’ Michael said, with another sigh. ‘You know him better than I.’

  Now she was blushing. And she suspected he had noticed it. ‘Do you wish anything more?’ She reached for the covers again, then stopped herself. There was a limit to the time she could spend smoothing a single sheet. ‘Should I build up the fire?’

  ‘Let it die down,’ he said. ‘It is too warm in here already. I am not chilled and you are becoming quite flushed.’ His voice was all sympathy, providing this easy lie to cover her reactions.

  It was just like him, worrying about another. It made her wish that she felt anything more than a wave of fondness to be treated so. ‘Very well, then. As long as you are comfortable. Please, enjoy your breakfast.’ How much pleasure he could get from it, she did not know. It was as bland and flavourless as her love for him, but he seemed to like that well enough.

  ‘You needn’t remain, if you don’t wish to,’ he added, picking up the spoon and managing a small bite. But she thought he looked rather depressed at the thought of being alone again.

  For a moment, she almost forgot her resolve of the previous evening and blurted the truth. I cannot stay. I am not worthy of your affection. And I do not love you back.

  But with his recovery just beginning, she did not want to do anything that might upset or weaken him. ‘It is all right,’ she said. ‘I will stay as long as you need me.’

  He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Whatever would I do without you?’

  And though her heart felt nothing but a combination of guilt and grim determination, she smiled back. Then she opened the book she had brought to entertain him and started to read.

  When he began to doze, she marked the place and set the book at the bedside for later, then sat staring down at the sleeping man. Even with a swollen jaw, he was handsome. And today was the first time she’d heard a cross word from him. Considering the circumstances, it was not surprising. Even a saint might be cross, when ill and faced with the news that Sam had given him.

  The Saint. His nickname suited him. He was not just a duke, he was a good man. He did not deserve this illness, or the possible consequences from it. Nor did he deserve to be shunned by his brother. At least, if she were here, he might never be alone again.

  What would he do without her?

  It was just one more thing that he never need find out.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When Evie returned from the duke’s room it was nearly lunchtime. Sam considered a second examination, but as if she could read his mind, Evie gave a single shake of her head.

  ‘He is sleeping again. And he did not need the drugs for it. His forehead feels cooler and the swelling is coming down. He was able to manage his breakfast and nearly cleared the tray. All he needs right now is rest.’

  Sam nodded. ‘Your diagnosis is as good as mine, I suppose. If the symptoms are abating, I doubt I will need to bleed him. We will see what the day brings.’

  He risked an encouraging smile. If St Aldric was on the mend, they might soon settle things between them. Although he dare not risk taking her back to bed, they might talk quietly for a while. He had not seen her since their argument yesterday. She would forgive him, if they could only be together. They had known each other for a lifetime and had loved almost that long. A week of disagreement would not separate them.

  But now she paused in the doorway, neither advancing nor retreating. She just stood and watched him, without returning his smile.

  He gestured to the chair opposite him. ‘There is no reason why you cannot rest as well. He will be fine without you for a few hours. And you must take a bit of lunch. Your breakfast tray was untouched when Abbott came for it.’

  ‘I was not hungry,’ she said, still not moving.

  ‘You are not taking ill, I hope,’ he said, half-joking. ‘If we are not careful, I will have to treat you as well.’

  ‘No!’ Her reaction was extreme and unexpected. She sounded almost as if she feared his touch.

  He remembered how it had been for him, when he had wanted her and known it was impossible. The sight of her was agony and a touch was a cruel promise of a thing he would never have. ‘I take it you have been thinking about what you must tell St Aldric.’

  ‘I do not wish him to suffer more than he already has.’

  ‘St Aldric, suffer?’ Sam could not help the laugh. ‘He is already healing. Two or three days of discomfort does not equate to suffering. If he thinks it so, then he does not know the meaning of the word.’

  ‘You are being unfair to him,’ Evie said.

  She seemed to think he was cruel and not stating an obvious fact. ‘You said yourself that he is better today.’

  ‘But we will not know for some time if he will fully recover,’ she said, still keeping her distance from him.

  ‘Do you plan to remain silent until then? And I suppose that I am just to wait.’ Sam gave an incredulous laugh. ‘I wish you showed the same concern for my suffering as for his.’

  ‘Six years passed with barely a word from you,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘And now, any delay is a trial?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, for it was quite true. ‘I am sorry that things were as they were. But that is past. We have waited long enough to be together.’

  ‘We waited too long, I think. Now there is no future for us. I don’t think there can be.’ The playful and clever girl he remembered was gone. The woman standing before him was sadder and wiser than he’d ever wanted her to become. And he did not want to be the fault of it.

  ‘What we have shared means nothing to you?’

  ‘Of course it means something,’ she said urgently. ‘But meaning is not the same thing as promise. If you stay, we will go on as we have been. I cannot give myself fully to you because of my feelings for Michael. And you cannot give yourself completely to me, if you will not tell me the whole truth. We are at an impasse.’

  Oath be damned. His mouth was already framing the truth, when he stopped himself. Just now, she claimed to have feelings for the duke. She had made her decision before speaking. What good would it do him to tell the truth, if she still did not want him?

  If he told her everything, she would not thank him for his honesty. It would destroy her faith in her father. She would see him as a sad wreck of a man, grasping at straws as she pushed him out of her life. And he would be throwing aside his promise to Thorne, as if his good name meant nothing to him.

  He had thought he was a fiend who lusted for his sister. Instead, he had become the sort of monster who
would seduce his brother’s betrothed, destroy her family and promise anything to have his way.

  The truth would hurt the woman he loved. He had sworn he would never do that. And if he broke that promise there was no point in living after.

  ‘You are right, Evie,’ he said, sad that the way forwards, now he’d found it, was so very empty. ‘There is nothing to be done.’

  ‘You must learn to call me Evelyn,’ she reminded him. ‘As everyone else does. We are grown now, you know. There is no place left for childish nicknames.’

  ‘Of course, Evelyn.’ Evie, his mind insisted. She would never be Evelyn to him, no matter what his lips might say.

  ‘It is for the best, you know.’ Now that the moment was here, she was not angry. Nor did she seem relieved to be rid of him. There was only sorrow, as though she were mourning a death.

  And he was still waiting for her to change her mind, like a prisoner hoping for reprieve. Had that been how she had felt, waiting for him to come home and not understanding the reason for his rejection? She had called to him, over and over, and he had refused her. But she had never given up trying to save him from himself.

  Until now.

  Really, what did he have to offer her? One hardly needed to be rescued from the fate that awaited her. In fact, he was recuing her now, just by leaving.

  ‘We will see each other, of course, from time to time,’ she allowed, offering a sop. ‘It cannot be avoided. He is your only family, after all.’

  You are my only family. And a few words of truth would destroy hers.

  ‘You know that we will not,’ he said, as gently as possible. ‘I will go, if that is really what you wish. But do not tell yourself that there will be any contact between us. I will not return. I could not bear to. And you must stop writing to me. This time, I will not read your letters.’